27 Oct 2004


Madagascar G.O.P. Volonteers

On 18th October ABC news carried the startling statistic that 57% of Republicans in the USA enjoyed their sex lives, compared to only 46% of Democrats. Also, almost twice as many Republicans had ever worn a garment designed to enhance their sex appeal or inflame their partner than Democrats.

It upsets conventional wisdom to imagine those country club loving, stiff-assed, square-brained, family values Republicans should lead significantly happier sex lives than the funky, mother-earth, third-world hugging Dems - so I decided to think on it a bit. Could the Reps really be the sexier party? Will it be possible to swing those votes with a little s*x appeal instead of the deadly fear and boredom of WMD and who should have done what to Saddam earlier or better?

I watched both the national conventions and surely, on reflection, the Republican women in New York looked prettier, better preserved, better dressed and more happy to flaunt their feminine charm than the Democrat ladies in Boston. They also seemed to be having more pure F-U-N.

Also, a large number of Republicans these days are Southerners - and it's common knowledge that women from the South believe in sex, like to flaunt it and are always muttering things like "Mah deyah, I declare it's too hot in this room heyah", as they finger their blouse buttons and wipe their foreheads histrionically.

For a woman, who would be more frisky between John Kerry and George Bush? Making out with John Kerry would be worse than embracing an elongated wooden doll - he'd probably read the Karma Sutra to you in French while listening to Tubular Bells, but can you imagine him getting, er, worked up? Isn't the very idea terrifying until you realise it's simultaneously impossible?

The unobvious answer is the twitchy, go-fer- it, super-animated shirtsleeves and wood-choppin' George Dubya. Looking at the two candidates it's obvious that GW could get into a glassy eyed, breathless, stamina-sapping, lively......rant?...........romp?..........whatever, he'd be the terrier to Kerry's labrador if it came to that.

As for the candidates wives, this is surely no contest. The previous Democratic President Bill Clinton was noted for having a wife whose charm was capable of reversing global warming - and whose obvious boudoir skillls drove Funky Bill to third-degree cigarophilia. Have things got better with Theresa Heinz?

The woman appears to do her coiffure with an egg-beater and have the charm of a large lead weight. Laura Bush, well.......... she's not my ideal date ( give me a double scotch and I'll take another look) but next to Theresa she looks like a rampant sex-goddess. Laura seems she could be.......has been.......maybe even IS right now.........., how can we say, occasionally FRISKY and maybe even risque. Which woman is more likely to have shopped at Victoria's Secret? Even Michael Moore knows that answer.

And when Laura appears in public with GW it's obvious where her 57% feelings lie. Ms. Heinz seems to tolerate the barely tolerable......that his her inexpressibly boring, grave, wordy ,pretentious husband John....is that a 46% or a 4.6?

I could not get away from the Dem ladies even in the remote parts of Madagascar. There I was in the Bay of Antongil. Rain forest, lazy rivers, peasant vanilla farmers, the one horse tropical town with is slow charm, the sweep behind us of the blue mountains overlooking the bay. It's a place where little happens and most of it good.

You sense, people have a complete life and culture that neither need much of the rest of the world - nor deserve it. The town is full of gorgeous Afro-Polynesian beauties, oiled of skin, flush with vanilla cash, buxom, smiling, walking the hip-waggle tropical walk or driving motorbikes and ATVs. We visited the market and stayed for hours, just idling with the Malagasy and watching their happy-go-lucky and affectionate lives.

Back at the hotel we met two American women. They had large Kerry-Edwards buttons and the look of dessicated love-children. Their backpacks were emblazoned with worthy-causes patches. Both wore Joan Baez sandals and one a granny dress from Laura Ashley's 1971 collection. Neither had worn a bra since perhaps 1969 - they kept informing me it was half past six every time they walked. The maximum care their skin ever got was a good scrubbing with handmade Envirobio soap, with the result that their faces looked like last years' Xmas wrappers.

They hadn't liked the market. Maybe it was too poor and threw them into a globalization bother. Perhaps it wasn't environmentally sound enough, after all the Malagasy don't have garbage trucks and litter vans. Meat was on display, as well as dead fish - did this upset them, since they certainly had that on-the-brink-of-illness look of vegans.? We'll never know.

They walked around broadly smiling at everyone with that benign, zoned, peacenik/beatnik smile that is so condescending. The giant sized Kerry-Edwards buttons meandered and waggled on top of their T-shirts according to their bra-less whims. It made you want, desire, wish, crave for.............well, a Southern Republican woman, a long night ahead and a bottle of Tequila.

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